Lent 38

4. My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?

More honest words have never been spoken. If you've never asked this question, I either don't believe you or you're fortunate not to have had to cry out in desperation.

I've spent a significant portion of my day today talking about the death of my father. I wrote about him for a CPE assignment and I couldn't help but carry him with me on this day which is so focused on pointing towards the cross and death of Christ. The death of my father represents the great sadness of my life up to this point. He died in the first semester of my first year of seminary. You might think that being surrounded by a community of pastors and pastors-in-training would be a good place to experience loss and grief. You might be wrong about that. Because everywhere I turned, I couldn't escape people who shouted praises to a God whose steadfast love will always sustain us. I didn't feel that so much. I didn't doubt God existed. I only doubted God's caring about me. I stopped praying. I only went through the motions of school because I didn't want to quit. I was lonely and depressed, in the pits of despair. I was truly crying out, My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?! After a while, I worked through my grief and learned that my crying out was better than turning away at all.

I spend a lot of time talking to folks about how it's okay to question and to be angry and to feel whatever it is they feel about their situations and about God. Somewhere along the way we got this idea that we cannot ever question God. The psalmist sure missed that memo.

I understand that everything Jesus did wasn't just for my peace and comfort. I realize that I am also meant to be challenged and guided and all that, but here again, I find myself comforted by Jesus crying out on the cross. My God, my God why have you abandoned me? Jesus cried out in that way, and I know that's the natural response to crisis.

Psalm 130
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.