Lent 7

For today, I plan to vent a little because I'm tired and frustrated. I have said at least half a dozen times this week this phrase: "I hate my job." And to be honest with you, I've meant it in those moments. The moments pass until the next one comes around, but I am frustrated with the moral distress I've been encountering.

Since I'm no longer the critical care chaplain, I've had to deal with end-of-life/palliative care cases far less than I used to, but I'm still very close to the unit as well as the palliative care nurse. I still hear about the cases and I spend a whole lot of time sitting with the woman who is sooooo poorly nicknamed "the death nurse," talking through morally distressing situations. It frustrates me to no end that patients are subjected to suffering far longer than necessary (suffering which does not end with the person lying in the bed) because we can't say the things that need to be said. I talked to a group of physicians today who insisted that they have the end-of-life conversations that need to be had. They insist that they talk to patients and families about code status, futility of treatment, etc. I do believe that they think those conversations are being had, but I wonder what would happen if we tape recorded those conversations and listened to them again. I'm not naive to the complexities of tort law, communication barriers, families who are adamant despite best education. I get it. I really do. But today, I feel frustrated.

I know I'm rambling. And it doesn't really make sense outside of the context that's only in my head and not being written here. But really, the reason I say all of this, I looked at the nurse right in the eye and said, "I'm going to do some real good for people when I don't work here anymore." And I really do believe it. This chaplaincy year has been and is an experience that is going to enrich my ministry for the rest of my life. I just wonder if I won't advocate better for folks on the other side of the door. As a hospital employee, I can only go so far. As an advisor and advocate of my parishioners, I hope I can do more than I'm doing right now.

Not so much a thoughtful post tonight, but I don't feel very thoughtful right now.